[static drones]
[bright tone]
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
- Welcome, welcome, welcome to "Last Week Tonight."
I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much for joining us.
And we begin tonight with President Trump.
Two words that will always sound unnatural together,
like "fuckable clown" or "Wolf Blitzer."
And the reason we have to start with him is,
Trump dominates the news cycle the way a fart dominates
the interior of a Volkswagen Beetle.
There is simply no escape from him.
Now just a case in point: Last night, Trump held
a pointless rally in Florida,
which got roadblock coverage across cable news.
And while his speech was mostly boilerplate Trump--
the media is fake, Chicago is a nightmare,
I'm the greatest-- there was one thing he said
while warning about the danger of refugees
that caught people's attention.
- You look at what's happening last night in Sweden.
Sweden, who would believe this?
Sweden. They took in large numbers.
They're having problems like they never thought possible.
- Oh, no! What happened there?
Did someone blow up Sweden's most famous landmark,
and if they did, what was it?
There was just one little problem
with what the president said,
and I think this news clip sums it up.
- We start this hour with an urgent plea from Sweden
to the U.S. government, asking,
"What is your president talking about?"
- Yeah, it turns out there was no terror attack.
[cheers and applause] And look.
Just a quick message to all other countries on Earth.
In the future, you're gonna find yourself wanting to ask,
"What is your president talking about?" a great deal,
and the answer is almost always going to be,
"We have no fucking idea!"
Now, Trump has since admitted his comment was in reference
to a story that was broadcast on Fox News the night before,
concerning immigrants and Sweden.
So, sifting through Trump's brain to see why
he said something is now like
examining a shark's stomach to see what it ate.
"Oh, okay, there's a sea urchin, a decomposed dolphin skull.
"Oh, a Fox News segment on Sweden.
"That's what did it!
It stuck in his throat."
So here is where we're at right now.
Trump can dominate the news merely by referencing something
that didn't happen in Sweden.
And that is real a shame, because this week has seen
a great deal of fascinating stories
go under-covered, like this one:
- The estranged half brother
of North Korean leader Kim Jong-un
poisoned as he waited for a flight.
- That story is both incredible and not entirely surprising,
because if you're associated with Kim Jong-un,
your odds of being murdered are around the same
as if you live in a town that Jessica Fletcher visits
on "Murder She Wrote."
Death follows that woman wherever she goes.
And I'll tell you why.
Because--and this is true-- she's a serial killer.
#JESSICAFLETCHERISASERIALKILLER.
But it wasn't so much who was killed
that was surprising with this story.
It was how.
- One of the two women accused of carrying out the hit
now says she thought she was just taking part
in a TV prank show.
Police say the suspect claims she was paid to convince men
to close their eyes and she would spray them with water
along with another woman as part of a gag.
But with the last target, Kim Jong-nam, police believe
the water was secretly replaced with deadly poison.
- Holy shit!
That is a really harsh prank show.
Ah-ha-ha!
You're dead, and you're a murderer!
I got ya!
Well, actually, she got you, and we got her.
But still, you're double-pranked!
There is nothing that is not fascinating about that story.
But it didn't get the attention it deserved.
And the same is true of this incredible story
that you probably missed from Florida.
- A Florida man behind bars this morning
accused of plotting to blow up Target stores
up and down the east coast.
According to the arresting documents,
the 48-year-old offered someone $10,000
to put ten bombs on the shelves inside Target stores,
warning not to let the boxes bounce around
or they would explode.
His motive? Authorities say Barnett hoped
the bombings would send Target stock prices plummeting
so he could buy shares on the cheap.
- Magnificent.
That story contains homemade explosives,
a big-box store,
an idiotic get-rich-quick scheme,
and felony charges.
If it somehow also involved a snake on meth,
you'd have full-on Florida bingo right there.
And the stories don't stop there.
You also missed the fact
that British Prime Minster Theresa May
went to see some children's Lego robot creations,
and this is the face that she made.
And if you're thinking, "Well, hold on, that's unfair.
The camera just caught a split second there,"
she also made this face and then this face.
"What is that ghastly monstrosity, street rat?
"Did you create it using your imagination?
"I thought we got rid of those after we Brexited.
Scurry along, rat. Scurry along."
In any other week, that face would be
the least diplomatic thing you'd ever seen in your life,
but this was also a week when Donald Trump's ambassador
to Somalia presented that country's president
with a hat reading "Make Somalia Great Again,"
and Trump himself took on the fraught
Israeli-Palestinian two-state solution
in the most casual possible way.
- Looking at two-state and one-state,
and I like the one that both parties like.
I'm very happy with the one that both parties like.
I can live with either one.
- If I may paraphrase the people of Sweden for a second:
What the fuck are you talking about?
The whole problem is, the people on each side
who want a one-state solution generally cannot agree
on what state it should be.
No one's really expecting them to suddenly say,
"Hey, we agreed on one state, and it's Peru!
"Shalom! Salaam alaikum!
Welcome to Peru!"
But that right there is the problem.
Here we are, talking about Trump again
because you cannot avoid him.
In the past week alone, Trump...
designated the media as enemies of the American people,
had his EPA-hating nominee for head of the EPA confirmed,
lost his nominee for Labor Secretary
and his National Security Advisor,
and signed a bill undoing Barack Obama's protections
for waterways from coal mining waste,
a signing that he capped off with this wonderful gesture.
- So, how about we give the pen? It's a great pen.
How about we give that to the miners, right?
both: Yeah. [applause]
- You guys take it 'cause you earned it.
- That's perfect.
Leave it to Trump to give seven people one pen.
He must just expect them all to share it,
like some kind of brotherhood of the traveling pen.
That might be the laziest instance
of pen gifting I've ever seen.
And I'm very much including every other time
someone has given a pen as a gift.
"Oh, great. An expensive pen.
"It's different than a regular pen because I get to worry
about losing it and no other reasons."
But perhaps nothing summed up Trump's week better
than his batshit crazy press conference on Thursday,
including this amazing exchange
with an African-American journalist.
- Are you going to include the Congressional Black Caucus
and the Congressional Hispanic Caucus?
- Well, I would. I tell you what.
Do you want to set up the meeting?
- No, no, no. I'm just a reporter.
- Are they friends of yours? Go ahead, set up the meeting.
- The man is incredible.
Because what hits you first there is the racism of assuming
that all black people are friends,
and then it's not until later
that you really appreciate the sexism of thinking
all women are there to perform secretarial tasks for you.
The guy packs so much into so little.
In fact, his press conference was so unhinged that many
of the reporters covering it had the same initial response.
- Wow. - Wow.
- Wow?
- Yeah, wow.
- Yes, wow indeed.
A presidential press conference elicited the same reaction
you get from people who just watched someone
shoot fireworks out of his ass.
Which, when you think about it, is actually fitting.
Because whenever Trump speaks, what is it essentially
other than just random sparks and flames sputtering noisily
out of a damaged asshole?
And now this.
male announcer: And now,
"Fox & Friends" is painfully aware
of who is watching them.
- I know Donald Trump is watching.
He's up right now and I imagine watching.
So if you want us to check your schedule,
see if we have the same one, Mr. President.
- Donald Trump watches the show.
Tweet us this morning. Let us know what--
- Yeah, let us know. - What was going on there?
- If Donald Trump is watching, tweet us,
and just say we're going to Mars.
- You know, Donald Trump watches the show.
You know, Donald Trump does watch our show.
Donald Trump watches every day. He's like a groupie.
- I know Donald Trump is watching.
He probably hasn't heard about it.
- And we know that Donald Trump watches the show.
So, Donald, it's more than ISIS, Mr. President-elect.
For example, Muslim Brotherhood.
Donald Trump is watching.
He doesn't love when you talk and eat.
- Oh. I'll be very elegant then.
- I watched this morning a couple of the network--
and I have to say, "Fox & Friends,"
in the morning, they're very honorable people.
- Wow.
- Moving on.
Our main story tonight concerns Russia.
The country that gave the world "Tetris,"
merkins you wear on your heads, and potentially
the 45th President of the United States.
Now, Russia was at the center of a major development
in the U.S. this week.
- Michael Flynn resigning
as the U.S. National Security Advisor.
This coming after reports that the Justice Department warned
he could be vulnerable to blackmail
over communications he had with the Russian ambassador.
- Okay, that's it, everyone. Check your office pools.
Because if you had "Communication with Russia"
as the reason the first member
of Trump's inner circle resigned, you win!
That's a--that's a shame 'cause my money was on
"Never set foot in a public school"
or "President can't stop seeing Melissa McCarthy
whenever you speak."
But--but interestingly, the Flynn debacle
is just the tip of the iceberg regarding
the Trump administration and Russia.
There were accusations swirling around two people involved
in his campaign, Paul Manafort and Carter Page.
There's the strong evidence that Russia hacked
the DNC's emails to influence the election.
And then there's of course the infamous leaked dossier
alleging serious connections between Trump
and his associates and Russia,
or as you undoubtedly remember it,
"The thing about the urine-fetish Moscow sex party."
And look. There is no hard proof yet
of direct links between Trump himself and Russia.
But he does have a weird, noticeably soft spot
for both the country and its leader.
- I was in Moscow recently and I spoke indirectly and directly
with President Putin, who could not have been nicer.
Putin even sent me a present, beautiful present
with a beautiful note.
By the way, it would be great
if we could get along with Russia,
just so you understand that.
Now tomorrow, you'll say, "Donald Trump wants
to get along with Russia. This is terrible."
It's not terrible. It's good.
- Yeah, I'm not saying it's terrible.
I'm also not saying it's good though.
I'm saying it's a bit weird
that you've been objectively nicer to Vladimir Putin
than you have to Meryl Streep, who I'm pretty sure
is not an infamous autocrat.
Although, you know what? Now I say it,
if she tried it, she'd nail it.
The woman is a tour de force.
[cheers and applause] But the point is...
the point is, Trump is fixated
on getting along better with Russia.
So tonight, we thought we'd ask, what does that actually mean?
What are the chances of it happening?
And what might we give up in the process?
And I know that, over here, we think of Putin
as a cartoon character who stages photo ops
where he's shirtless on a horse,
or swimming like a dolphin, or emerging from the sea
like a Bond villain, or winning a staring contest
with a baby chick,
or quite possibly breaking a child's arm.
But in Russia, he's not some comic book villain.
To many, he's a comic book hero.
He's genuinely popular there.
For years, he's even had his own pop song.
[upbeat techno music]
[women singing in Russian]
♪ ♪
- That song has been stuck in my head all week,
and I don't even speak Russian!
It's--it's called "A Man Like Putin"
and it's all about how women want someone like him.
Although, just think about that for a second.
'Cause that means they want a man in his 60s
who has thinning hair and who's probably about 5'5".
So the man they're saying they want is essentially
Richard Dreyfuss but mean.
And, you know, as for all those photo ops,
well, you'd really be surprised how many Russians
look at those and take them at face value.
- Earlier this year, Putin miraculously recovered
two ancient vases from the bottom of the ocean.
Fortunately, cameras were on hand
to capture this historic moment.
- [speaking Russian]
- Oh, come on.
Not only is that clearly bullshit,
but contrived seaside photo ops is the same publicity strategy
as Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston.
America had HiddleSwift.
Russia got PutleJug.
#PUTLEJUG.
Putin's popularity, though, is all the more surprising
given that, from the beginning,
his presidency has been shrouded in accusations of corruption.
- We've seen him enriching his friends,
his close allies,
and marginalizing those
who he doesn't view as friends using state assets,
whether that's Russia's energy wealth,
whether it's other state contracts.
He directs those to whom he believes will serve him
and excludes those who don't.
- I see.
So Putin's friends depend on him for their wealth.
That actually explains how he wound up
once going out dressed like this,
because any real friend would tell him, "Vladimir, no.
"I love you, but you cannot pull off white denim.
"You look like you're attending the wedding of a yacht
"and the year 1991.
Get changed. As a friend, get changed."
But it's not just Putin's friends who've become rich.
Some estimates put Putin's personal wealth anywhere
from $40 billion to $85 billion, which would make him
one of the richest men in the world.
And although he strenuously denies it,
nothing about his finances adds up.
- President Putin's official income
is around $100,000 a year,
and yet he lives like the super rich.
He has a collection of expensive watches.
Even his designer tracksuit cost $3,000.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
What monster works out in a $3,000 tracksuit?
The only acceptable reason for owning a tracksuit
that expensive is if you recorded the 2002 hit
"Work It," your name is Missy Elliott,
and you are not fully aware that other clothes exist.
That's it. That is it.
I draw a line there. [cheers and applause]
But for an example of really surprising wealth,
consider Putin's own daughter.
She and her husband have holdings
worth around $2 billion, which is a lot of money
for someone who-- and this is true--
is an academic/acrobatic rock-and-roll dancer.
And if you think we don't have footage of her in action,
you are sorely mistaken.
[energetic pop rock music]
♪ ♪
- ♪ And when the rain begins to fall... ♪
- First... cool.
And--and second, you know, a lot of people think
that the most dangerous job in the world
is prison guard or fighter pilot,
but I'd like now to put a strong word in for "guy whose job is
"to throw Putin's daughter way up in the air
and then hopefully catch her."
But you know what? You know what?
Maybe Vladimir Putin has just been
extraordinarily lucky in his life.
And if so, it contrasts with the extreme misfortune that many
of his critics and political opponents have suffered.
Opposition leader Boris Nemtsov was shot dead.
Alexander Litvinenko, a former KGB agent
who turned on Putin, died of radiation poisoning.
Journalist Anna Politkovskaya was murdered
on Putin's birthday.
And the activist Vladimir Kara-Murza
was allegedly poisoned, managed to survive,
only to be allegedly poisoned again earlier this year.
And I know that all this looks bad.
But, again, maybe Putin had nothing to do
with any of that and just got lucky.
Maybe the guy has a rabbit's foot.
Yes, a freshly severed one, but still, he's got one.
And meanwhile, other Putin adversaries
have--have ended up disgraced when sex tapes of them
were shown on national TV or leaked on the Internet.
And a sex tape doesn't even need to be real,
as this man, Kyle Hatcher,
who worked for the U.S. State Department in Russia,
discovered a few years ago.
- Last month, this undercover video of Hatcher was posted
on a Russian Internet site complete with background music.
Hatcher is seen in a Moscow hotel room
in his underwear with the lights on.
Then the lights are out in the room
and a man and a woman appear to be having
sexual relations on the bed.
Hatcher told U.S. officials this is a fabrication.
- Okay, now, that is obviously ridiculous.
But I do actually have some questions here.
One, if someone releases a fake sex tape of you,
do you watch it?
And, two, what if the fake you
is better at sex than the real you?
And the only reason I ask this is,
I'm currently talking shit about Putin on television,
so I'm expecting my fake sex tape
to come out any moment now.
And I'm just-- I'm just interested.
That's all.
Putin has carefully created an atmosphere in Russia
that is extremely hostile to any opposition.
Standing up to him can mean being targeted by trolls,
and not just on the Internet.
When Garry Kasparov spoke at a political opposition event,
he was interrupted-- and this is true--
by radio-controlled flying dildos.
And you know what?
I have to say,
I kind of respect that, deep down.
That takes real imagination, initiative, and planning.
Now, what is less impressive, though,
is what liberal politician Ilya Yashin
claims happened to him.
- [speaking Russian]
[jazzy percussion music]
♪ ♪
[speaking Russian]
♪ ♪
[audience groans]
- Look, I do understand being mad at someone
who has shit on your car, but for the record,
parents walking by are not actually going to be offended.
Because, if you have a child, your visceral response
to seeing someone other than your own kid
taking a dump in public is, "Not my fucking problem.
Not my problem."
So--so, to recap, Putin may or may not have stolen
billions of dollars and may or may not have been involved
in the intimidation or assassination of his opponents.
There is so much that people suspect but can't quite prove,
in the same way that I suspect Putin's genitals
are just a fist covered in thorns,
but I can't entirely say for sure.
I'm 98%.
I'm just not quite there.
But here is what we can say about Putin without a doubt.
He, among other things, annexed Crimea,
imposed severe fines and long prison terms on protestors,
propped up the brutal Assad regime,
and signed a harsh anti-gay propaganda law,
which many Russians supported, which might actually not be
that surprising when you consider that they see shit
like this on state-sponsored TV.
- [speaking Russian]
- Sodom and Gomorrah were burnt with the rain
of sulfurous fire from the heavens.
Since that time, the real name of homosexuals,
just so you know, our dear TV audience,
is not gays, but sodomites.
God does not tolerate the filth and sin
that may consume the entire world.
We need to resist to stay alive.
- Wow. Now, to give you just a sense
of how anti-gay Russian TV is,
their most popular makeover show features five straight guys
and is called "That Jacket Looks Fine."
So, look, in a nutshell,
that is Russia under Vladimir Putin.
And our president wants to get along better with him.
And I'm not saying that America hasn't regularly cozied up
to regimes with hideous human rights records.
I will not mention names, but let's just say
that Saudi Arabia knows who they are.
But--but there is something truly alarming about how easy
Trump makes this all sound.
- If our country got along with Russia,
that would be a great thing.
Wouldn't it be a wonderful thing, frankly,
if we actually got along with Russia?
Wouldn't it be great if we actually got along with Russia?
Wouldn't it be nice if we actually got along with Russia?
Wouldn't that be good?
Wouldn't it actually be wonderful?
Wouldn't it be nice? Wouldn't it be nice?
Wouldn't it be nice if we actually got along,
as an example, with Russia? I'm all for it.
- Sure, yeah, and it would also be nice if you could walk
right up to a bear and hug it.
That would be really, really nice.
But unfortunately, it's not that fucking easy!
Negotiating anything with Putin is gonna be
way more difficult than Trump seems to think.
Putin spent his early life as a spy for Russia
in East Germany, where he mastered
manipulating foreigners.
And I'm not saying that Trump isn't at his level.
I am just saying, watch what happened last year
when Bill O'Reilly tried to game out
how Trump would respond to Russian planes
buzzing U.S. warships.
- I would say, "Do not do that. That's provocation.
That's something that you're not supposed to be doing."
- Right, but if he did it, if he defies you...
- It's the wrong thing to do on many--
- You'd have to shoot one of those planes down.
- [stammers] I may have to do something
which you would hate to do.
But this is something I wouldn't want to do.
But I would say, "Vladimir, don't do it.
"Let's go. Come on.
"We're gonna have a good relationship.
Don't do it."
- That is just fucking embarrassing.
He is using the tone of a dog owner
failing to stop a spaniel peeing on the rug.
Waggles, don't do it.
Let's go. Come on, Waggles.
We're gonna have a good relationship.
Don't do it, Wags.
Don't do it. Don't do it.
[cheers and applause] And the thing is...
the thing is, Trump has already given Putin
something absolutely massive,
and he may not even realize it yet.
Let me explain.
Putin is actually a little bit weaker
than you think at the moment.
His economy is struggling, which is not great news
for an autocrat who may have stolen billions
from his own people.
But he is still very popular,
in part because he routinely deflects criticism onto the U.S.
And not just to dodge blame but to delegitimize our ability
to claim the moral high ground.
Russians love it when America points a finger at him
and he just points it right back.
For instance, when he was asked a few years ago about
suppressing dissent in Russia, he immediately changed
the subject to problems in America.
- [speaking Russian] - Do you believe
that everything is perfect now
from the point of view of democracy?
If everything was perfect, there would be
no problem like Ferguson, right?
There would be no other problems
of a similar nature.
There would be no abuse by the police.
This is the same case in Russia,
a lot of problems.
- Yeah, but not all problems are the same.
It's like comparing "La La Land,"
an Academy Award-nominated movie with glaring flaws,
to "The Human Centipede,"
a thing that barely counts as a film.
Yes, one movie is people sewn mouth-to-anus, but,
you know, Ryan Gosling looks at his feet when he dances,
so it all evens out in the end.
This message that, you know, "If things are bad here,
just know that they are just as bad in America,"
that is a key Putin technique.
Russian state media spent a good part of last year
insisting that the U.S. election was rigged.
And they did this for a clear reason.
- What does the Kremlin want to put in Russians' heads?
- There is no real democracy in the world.
It doesn't work.
This will be the opportunity to show that, hey, they have--
they do the same thing.
There is no difference.
- And we're no worse than they are?
- Yes, exactly.
- So that is the official line.
"You're shit. We're shit. Everything's shit.
Never try for a better world because it doesn't exist."
That is not only bleak, I think it's also the working title
of every Russian novel ever written.
And--and you know what, though?
You would expect "America's elections are rigged"
to be a standard Putin line.
What changed last year, though, was that he had
a major American candidate saying the exact same thing.
And if you think that that played into Putin's hands,
imagine how happy he was to then see
the President of the United States
take his moral equivalence argument and just run with it.
- Putin's a killer.
- A lot of killers. We've got a lot of killers.
What, you think our country's so innocent?
You think our country's so innocent?
- I don't know of any government leaders
that are killers in America.
- Well, take a look at what we've done, too.
- Holy shit.
The only way he could sound any more like Vladimir Putin
is if he said all that in a fucking $3,000 tracksuit.
Trump is basically the propagandist of Putin's dreams.
And who knows why he's acting this way?
Maybe he's compromised. Maybe he's an idiot.
But since the President of the United States
won't stick up for this country, I will.
America and Russia are not the fucking same.
And don't get me wrong.
America has had-- and continues to have--
endemic problems that need fixing.
That might as well be the title of this show.
But--but hold on, though. Hold on.
'Cause our elections have some flaws,
but they are not rigged.
Our human rights record is far from perfect,
but it does not compare to Putin's Russia.
And our press is at least currently free enough
that I can routinely do this.
Donald Trump, America's wealthiest hemorrhoid.
America's walking, talking brush fire.
Rome burning in man form.
An ill-fitting suit full of chickens
coming home to roost.
Twitter's id made manifest.
This sentient circus peanut.
A racist voodoo doll made of discarded cat hair.
A clown made of mummified foreskin and cotton candy.
Upside-down piece of candy corn
in a wig made of used medical gauze.
A clear plastic bag filled with cheeseburgers
and Confederate flag belt buckles.
An old piece of luggage covered in Cheez Whiz.
A kidney dropped on the floor at a Supercuts.
He is basically what happens if "The Secret"
gets into the wrong hands.
Yeah. I've talked a lot of shit.
And--and to his credit... [cheers and applause]
Trump has not had me murdered.
Yet. Yet.
There is still time.
The problem is, though, Trump has already given Putin
a lot without realizing it, but Putin wants more.
Experts say that he likely wants an end to U.S. sanctions,
for us to endorse his pro-Assad position in Syria,
to let him weaken NATO,
and to recognize his annexation of Crimea.
All of which would be against American interests and values.
But there seems to be a genuine danger that, if unchecked,
Trump may trade any or all of that away in exchange
for "getting along better,"
whatever the fuck that really means.
So, someone really needs quickly to get into Trump's ear
and educate him in how realistic getting along better
with Putin actually is.
And, unfortunately, our Catheter Cowboy
cannot do it in 30 seconds.
So, we've put together a quick explanation
guaranteed to stick in Trump's mind
in the catchiest possible form:
Shitty techno music.
[upbeat techno music]
♪ ♪
[music stops] - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, no!
Do not shit on my car!
That is weird. It's so weird.
If anything, it might be the weirdest part
of this whole story.
Please don't shit on my car.
Don't--please don't do it.
I'm sorry, you were telling the president about Putin?
Go.
[upbeat techno music resumes]
♪ ♪
- That's our show!
Thank you so much for watching!
We'll see you next week! Good night!
♪ ♪
[bright tone]